My Favorite De-Escalation Strategy

Oftentimes, as adults, it can be very difficult for us to step back and think logically when our students or our own children are angry. Some of us may feel ourselves escalating. Others may feel the need to “fix” the situation for the child. Still others may think that ignoring the behavior will help the child to calm down. While there is nothing inherently “bad” about any of these reactions, there is a better way.

Most often, when kids are activated, they need us to remain calm and present for them, and they need us to help them through, not around, the situation. How do we do this?

First, we validate the feelings, but not the behavior, of the child. This may sound something like, “It is ok for you to feel angry right now, but it’s not ok to hit your friend.” This lets the child know that feeling big emotions is not only ok but perfectly normal! Once they know that it is ok to feel the way they do, but that you do not condone making poor choices, you can move onto the next step.

Start by ingraining this phrase (or another similar phrase) into your brain, “In this moment, what can I do to help you?” Asking this of the child puts the ball in their court and teaches them important problem solving and communication skills. Now it is not you, the adult, fixing the situation but the child communicating their needs to you which is the ultimate goal.

I have found that, by using this strategy with my own children, they are initially surprised by this question. I think so many adults (myself included!) spend so much time trying to “control” the thoughts, words and actions of children, they are not accustomed to being asked about their needs. Once the phrase becomes more commonplace in your classroom or home, though, you may be amazed at what your students or children are able to communicate to you.

Perhaps they really want someone to listen to them or maybe they need a quiet place to sit for a few minutes. I’ve even gotten the response, “A granola bar…I’m just hangry!” Sometimes the solution to the problem is simpler than we might think.