Tag: Parenting

***Trigger Warning: This blog post contains references to gun violence.***

Today, I’m going to digress from my typical content and tell a more personal story that highlights the importance of connection and community in building resilience in kids.

Allow me to begin by laying the foundation. My family lives in the city, in a fairly gentrified neighborhood that is surrounded by both up-and-coming areas and not-so-great areas. The police station, fire station, library and my kid’s school are all within a half mile of our house. It’s a front porch community, a walking neighborhood and, despite the violence that Indianapolis regularly experiences (and that we can often hear from our house in the form of gunshots), we feel very safe.

Our block, in particular, is a cozy, insulated city block with 20+ houses and 20+ kids. While the kids range in age from toddler to high school age, they all get along well and are outside constantly. They play soccer, race RC cars, ride bikes, draw with chalk, make up games, play with dolls, hang out on porches and just generally act like kids. I like to say that the kids on our block are living their best 1980’s childhoods.

Most of the older kids have free range of the block. Our families are all close, and we all watch out for one another. I know that if I don’t have eyes on my kids, another adult does. We all feel comfortable redirecting and correcting each others’ kids, and the kids feel comfortable talking to, and engaging with, all the grown-ups.

I realize how fortunate we are to live this life. I am grateful everyday for our neighbors, my kids’ friends and the community we’ve built on this block. I know that even just a street or two over from where we live, this is not the reality. I know that many people who live in the city don’t feel comfortable allowing their kids to run freely because they don’t know their neighbors or it just doesn’t feel safe.

That said, two weeks ago, we had a random incident of gun violence on our block, less than an hour before the kids would begin arriving home from school. Thanks to several quick calls to 911, police arrived quickly and fatally shot the gunman. However, because it was an officer-involved shooting, our block was shut down and crawling with police officers, detectives, forensics and others well into the evening hours.

In our family, my husband and I are very transparent with our kids and aren’t afraid to have tough conversations and answer hard questions, in an age-appropriate manner. Our kids feel very comfortable talking to us about just about anything (and they do, much to our chagrin sometimes!).

That day, we picked them up from school so that we could discuss what happened with them and allow them to ask questions, prior to them seeing all the action on the block where they live. As we walked and talked, we reinforced that the neighbors on our block are part of our community and that it’s our job to always look out for one another and do all that we can to keep everyone safe.

Later that evening, several parents from our block had a conversation via our block’s text thread about how to truthfully and appropriately communicate what happened to our kids to avoid them becoming fearful. In discussing how different families had approached, or were planning to approach, the subject with their children, something became so clear to me. Our kids were going to be ok.

Why was I so certain about this? Because the kids on our block are resilient, and that is because the adults around them have thoughtfully built a community of individuals who intentionally connect with one another, cultivate a sense of belonging and believe in empowering kids by allowing them to problem-solve, resolve conflict, build upon friendship and social skills and so much more, all in a safe environment.

It was entirely coincidental that all of this happened just as I had introduced the May social-emotional learning theme of resilience and perseverance. I knew right away, though, that I wanted to share this story during the month to highlight just how important connection and community are to building resilience.

When I speak in schools or at conferences about resilience (or SEL or trauma-informed care, for that matter), the one point that I always stress is this – connection matters. More than anything, in fact.

According to a study done at Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child, “the single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.”

Many of us are fortunate enough that our kids have this many times over, in the form of parents, family members, neighbors, teachers, coaches, youth group leaders, etc.

What about the kids who don’t, though?

As a mom who also does double (quintuple???) duty as a teacher, coach, mentor, volunteer, etc., I always walk around with this question in the back of my mind.

When I’m serving as the dugout coach for my 7 year old’s baseball team or when I’m going on a field trip with my 10 year old’s class, I think about ways that I can intentionally connect with the kids around me so that maybe, just maybe, one day they will view me as one of their “people.”

It’s such a simple thing, but it’s so important. Although I truly hope not, perhaps one day, your student or child will be in a situation where resilience is the difference between them living in fear vs. processing through an event, choosing a healthy coping mechanism vs. an unhealthy one or talking to a trusted adult vs. keeping a dangerous or harmful secret.

Let’s work now to set them up for success later. It truly begins with a simple connection to build a beautiful community like the one in which I am so fortunate to live.

Do me a favor – I want you to think about how you can intentionally and meaningfully connect with another person whose path you cross today. And then, do it again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that.